La Cachita

What does I love you mean?

I love you - I will not take care of my mental health. My sadness and my anxiety are a priority, not the counseling I may need. I have to think about my sickness ( I have to be my sickness) I will not listen to what you need.

I love you - I will treat you like a trophy because you are younger than me. My daughter's spoiled needs are much more important then what you need. I love you but if you don't understand my daughter...then I will hide away my need for that perfect trophy and start writing to someone else...but I love you.

I love you - But I'm not here for the intimacy you need. My moments of feeling victimized by presumed alienation and the space I need to feel isolated in an intellectual bubble of my own design-- where I am the most intellectual, but disconnected, numb with drugs but not the drugs the psychiatrist gave me--are more important than you. When you are finally fed up with our toxic dynamic I will love you by spitting on you, throwing a glass of water on your face, throwing a ceramic cup in your direction, missing you by a second.

I love you - but my destiny is more important than your destiny. I will claim to love you and need you to give up your purpose for mine. And I will do it by criticizing and arguing about every little thing I can invent. If I argue long enough I will be able to ignore that our lives are not compatible. But I love you.

I love you - but the baggage of my adult son is much more important than starting a life with you. I will love you well, but not enough to leave it all behind. I love you, but I'm not in the same life stage you are so I will not care how time passes that you wish to make a home and a family. Time passes for me very differently, and I will not relate to you...but I love you.

I love you - and if I don't love you it is your fault. You did this to us. You ruined our marriage. You and your damn school that was so important. I made public vows of love to you in marriage, they were important up to the point where I had to indulge in infidelity to have a better fit to me, someone who will be a perfect slave to you the way you never were - I love you not your soul. I love you, up to the point where I grab your throat to intimidate you that I could really strangle you, hold your arm so you don't escape out of the apartment to a safer place and ignore that you are terrified when I coerced you to accept all my apologetic kisses by using physical force. I love you (but it's your fucking fault)

I love you - but not more than my high, not more than the excuse to get high. So I will dwell in my depression and the dysfunctions of my mental health so I can keep getting high. Cocaine is such a better lover than you, and all my drama is much more my heart. I will love you even more after you decide that this doesn't work---and see you fucking lied to me when you said you loved me. But I really do love you (one more hit, this last time, it's a smaller hit than before, it's a better drug than cocaine, it's Molly and not cocaine, it's pot and three bottles of Jack Daniels) I do love you.

(these were the I love yous my heart wanted then. I made these I love yous. My mind made these I Love Yous manifest into reality)

What does I love you mean to me anymore....it is a phrase I can honor. I will treat it delicately. I will recognize the vulnerability of the person saying it. I will be warmed up by it and treat that person with the most affection. I will honor them with compassion and understanding. I will also give those words freely to my family who have been loyal since Day 1 with me...

But romantically....what does it mean when someone says it to me? When I say it?

I've lost the value of I love you...I can't hold it in my hands. I love you is not children. I love you is not comfort. I love you is not commitment. I love you is not every morning for the rest of your life, sitting on a sun lit porch, waiting for your grandchildren. I love you is not showing up, ride or die, got your back. I love you is not I will dance with you into the sunset. I love you is not becoming your epic romance story.

It's just I love you....

Three words I can't recognize anymore.